How to Stop Feeling So Helpless During Quarantine
Research suggests some ways to find a sense of control
when you're feeling helpless.
BY KIRA M. NEWMAN |
APRIL 27, 2020
On the Internet, the setting of our new coronavirus
life, every news site has some graph predicting the future. Every influencer
has advice for how to live, and every business has a COVID-19 FAQ section.
However, no amount of expertise seems to quiet the questions
in our heads: Will my parents be okay? Is my job going to last? Was I six
feet away from that person in the vegetable aisle?
This desperate search for facts and answers, for
expert opinions and statistical predictions, is our brain’s way of seeking out
stability and control. We want a roadmap and a manual, a guarantee that if
I just do this, my people will be safe.
But in the face of a global pandemic caused by a new
virus that we don’t fully understand, there is so much out of our control, from
the actions of our neighbors to the timing of a vaccine. And so, alongside the
grief and anxiety we’re feeling—the loss of what we had in the past and the
fear for the future—there is another big emotion that’s spreading around:
helplessness.
“We don’t know how long this is going to last,” says
Patricia Frazier, a professor at the University of Minnesota. “And then there
are the losses that we also really can’t do much about, like students who don’t
get to have a graduation. There’s so much about this that we can’t control.”
Feeling helpless can have a very negative effect on
our mental health, as a great deal of research shows. So, how can we let go of
what we can’t control, without just giving up? Research by Frazier and others
can help us all to find that balance. The secret is to focus on what’s
happening right now, right in front of you. If you can do that, studies
suggest, you’ll be better equipped to solve the problems you face—and to accept
situations you can’t change.
The wisdom to know the difference
In early April, as cities around the world were going
into lockdown, Frazier and her team signed up 400 students to take part in a
three-week experiment. In surveys, the students told her that COVID-19 was
affecting their daily lives significantly, leaving them struggling to
transition to online classes, missing their friends, and worried about how long
this all would last.
Frazier split the students into two groups. One group
is being asked to follow the Centers for Disease Control’s recommendations for
reducing coronavirus-related stress, including exercising, getting enough
sleep, connecting with other people, and doing activities they enjoy. The other
group is learning how to feel more in control of their stress. When they get
upset, they’re reminded to stop, take a few breaths, and be mindful of what’s
stressing them out. Then, they reflect on what they have control over, what
they don’t have control over, and what they can do about the things
within their control.
“You’re not just spinning your wheels dwelling,” says
Frazier. “When you focus on what you can control, it’s more energizing, it
promotes that sense of agency.”
For example, one student was feeling bogged down by
loneliness, but realized the solution was as simple as reaching out to friends.
Another student recognized that they could address their stress around classes
and exams by taking advantage of some of the university’s online resources.
It might seem counterproductive to also reflect on
what you can’t control, but making that distinction is important.
Without it, we might end up in a state of “anxiety and hypervigilance” as
we try to tame reality into submission, refusing to accept our areas of
powerlessness. Today, that might look like obsessing over sanitizing every
surface in your house, second-guessing your grocery lists, or burning yourself
out to prove you’re a model employee.
All that frenzied action can give us the illusion that
we’re the ultimate masters of our fate—and if something goes wrong, it’s only
because we didn’t do enough, and we just need to tighten our grip in the
future.
Research backs up the notion that trying to exercise
control in some areas can be unhelpful. When we mistakenly think we can control
the future, we can actually feel more distressed, research suggests.
It’s not fully up to us whether we experience a loss or a viral infection;
unfortunately, even if we do everything right, things don’t always turn out
okay.
Nor does it help to focus on the control we had (and,
perhaps, misused) in the past. Whether you took that ill-advised spring break
trip right before lockdown, or didn’t stock up on enough canned goods when you
had the chance, there is nothing you can do about it now.
Instead, the focus of Frazier’s experiments is solely
on the present—the things we can control about our daily lives. When people aim
their control efforts here, research suggests, they tend to be less depressed, anxious,
and distressed,
show fewer
obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and feel more satisfied with life.
These are the kinds of results she’s hoping to see as her participants complete
the experiment this month.
How to find a few ounces of control
There’s something to be said for releasing our mania
for control. In fact, research suggests that not all cultures have such a
strong need to be in charge all the time. One study, for example, found
that British people were more stressed and distressed when they felt out of
control in life—but Japanese were not. How comfortable you are with
uncertainty, and how desperately you need to carve out a sphere of influence in
your coronavirus life, may depend on the culture you grew up in. It can help to
ask yourself if what you were taught growing up is a help or a liability in a
pandemic.
Then, spend some time thinking about where you have
control and what actions you can take in those areas. If you start to worry
about things you do have control over, you can remind yourself of
your plans to address them: I’ll be sure to sanitize my keys and my phone
every time I come home. In a study where participants
tried this technique for non-coronavirus-related stresses, they were able to
reduce their stress, depression, and anxiety compared to people who simply got
a lesson on stress.
One study of cancer
patients offers a peek into the many small ways people find a sense of control
in adversity. For example, the patients talked about staying active and making
changes to their diet, reading and relaxing, asking their doctor questions, and
trying to maintain a sense of normalcy—nearly all of which are applicable to us
today.
Another way is to be deliberate about how we respond
to our fear, grief, and anger during this time. According to one study in the
Netherlands, people who tended to face their difficulties directly—for example,
recognizing their feelings but also putting things in perspective—felt more in
control of their lives. In contrast, people who passively wallowed in their
feelings or avoided them altogether felt less in control. (In fact, trying to
suppress a pesky, nagging thought could just make it more persistent.)
Remember: Feeling a little out of control right now is
normal, particularly if
you’re facing physical limitations or financial strain. To regulate your
emotions around coronavirus in a healthy way, you can try strategies
likes Finding
Silver Linings, Gaining
Perspective on Negative Events, Letting
Go of Anger Through Compassion, or taking a Self-Compassion
Break. Even when events and outcomes are out of our hands, we can still
exert some influence over our emotional lives with these techniques.
When we feel helpless, we may tamp down our innate
instinct to care for others, particularly at a time like now when the scale of
need and suffering is so great. As Greater Good Science Center science director
Emiliana Simon-Thomas points out, for non-essential workers, our normal ways of
volunteering or helping our neighbors might not be possible in an era of
physical distancing. But creative forms of communal generosity are still alive
and well during COVID-19. Following inspiring news stories can give us
ideas for ways to contribute—from making
masks to writing letters to elderly neighbors.
In the face of everything we’re powerless to change,
it’s easy to feel weak and helpless and resign ourselves to a fate dictated by
reckless neighbors and foolhardy leaders. And we probably will sometimes. But
it’s the little things we do—the daily routines, the way we deal with our
emotions, and our care for others—that will remind us our actions make a
difference.
Comments
Post a Comment